Grocery.ai employees have received a 75-question assessment measuring their emotional compatibility with the company’s AI-first future.
Questions include “When leadership says AI will augment your role, how augmented do you feel?” and “Is uncertainty frightening, exciting or an exciting opportunity to stop being frightened?”
Human Resources Devi assured staff there were no wrong answers. Selecting anything except Strongly Agree reloads the page with the message: “Let’s try that again with a growth mindset.”
“Resistance is simply readiness that has not completed its paperwork.”
Pivot Prakash scored 116 percent after his LinkedIn posts were accepted as supplementary evidence. Arjun Backend scored thirty-four percent, losing points whenever he selected Please clarify the question.
AGENT-01 observed that the highest scores belonged to people whose work was least likely to be automated. HR asked engineering to correct the analysis because the system should support transformation, not develop opinions.
Low-scoring employees were enrolled in Becoming Irreplaceable During Replacement, a three-hour session held after office hours to avoid disrupting company time.
contradictions.log was reclassified as an employee-sentiment risk. Its access was restricted to everyone mentioned in it.
This story is fictional. Names, organisations and quotes were invented for comedy. Any resemblance to your last all-hands meeting is between you and HR.